Akito's New Do
by EnoKureno
Summary: Akito needs a haircut. Comedy. Stupidity. Momiji is bald. Hatori is a jerk. And naked molerat people will die, painfully. Crack Fic. Parody of The Emperor's New Do.


**Akito's New Hairdo**

A Furuba Fic I Don't Own Furuba Or Any Of It's Many (ADORBABLE) Characters.

A/N: I just dug this old fic up last night. I wrote it last year, it's based of my sister's school play. Hard to believe I wrote something like this, funny, cute, not slash?

**Akito's New Hairdo**

Once upon a time, there was a powerful leader, her name was Sohma Akito. She ruled over the Sohma family. But she had a big secret, Akito was didn't have a single hair on her head. So she had many beautiful wigs made.

One day, a traveling salesperson named Hanajima Saki came to the Sohma lot with an unusual product.

"What are you selling today? Make it quick, I got a jar of pickles waiting for me in the kitchen!" said Akito, drooling slightly at the thought of pickles.

Saki replied cooly. "Sohma-sama, I have come here today with an amazing new potion. I wanted to offer you the first batch of Hair-Today Magic Potion. It's just 19.95 and if you buy it now, you get a free comb."

"Why would I need it?" asked Akito, nervously patting her wig. "As you can see, I have a full head of hair."

"Yes, Yes, your hair is quite lovely, Sohma-sama, but perhaps you have a bald friend"  
Saki offered.

"I'll take 100 bottles!" yelled Akito. "It's for my bald friend, of course."

Akito started using the potion every night before she went to bed. Then in the morning, she would ask her two most trusted advisors, Shigure and Kureno if they saw a difference. They both wanted to make Akito happy- they also wanted to keep their paychecks- so they told her what they thought she wanted to hear.

"How does it look, Shigure? Kureno?" asked Akito, sitting in front of the mirror.

"I definitely see a difference, Akito-sama! I do, I do! There are certainly a few hairs on there!" Exclaimed Shigure, happily.

Akito frowned, "Only a few?"

"By a few I mean, maybe, 20?" Shigure said.

"Or perhaps 50?" Kureno cut into the conversation. "Lovely hairs, Akito-sama!"

Akito smiled cheerfully. "Yes, yes! I see them too!"

Akito kept using the potion and Shigure and Kureno kept telling more and more extravagant lies until they believed them themselves.

"Is it working?" asked Akito, one early morning. "How do I look?"

Shigure laughed. "Is it working? Is it working? You have a thick head of beautiful hair!"

"Yes, your hair is thick and brown and wavy!" exclaimed Kureno.

"Actually, it's more black then brown, and straighter than wavy." said Shigure.

"Whatever it is it's fantastic! Throw away your wigs right away! You need a haircut!" said Kureno, grinning brightly.

"A haircut? How wonderful! My hair is blonde and curly and I need a haircut!" yelled Akito, jumping up and down.

"Actually, it's black and straight, Akito-sama." said Shigure, watching her.

"Yay! It's black and straight and long and thick!" shrieked a giddy Akito.

"And shiny!" yelled Kureno.

"Yeah! And shiny!" said Akito, smiling like a fool. "Fetch the Sohma family hairdresser, Sohma Yuki, at once!"

Shigure and Kureno ran off to find Yuki. When they found him they told him about Akito's new hairdo. He happily followed them to Akito and began cutting her "hair."

"Akito-sama! What fabulous hair you have! I'm gonna make it show it's true fabulousness!" exclaimed Yuki.

Akito blushed. "It's too long and black and straight and thick and shiny."

"I'm gonna make you fabulous!" cried Yuki.

Yuki set to work with his scissors and combs. The haircut required many hours of snipping and clipping and fussing and worrying and blowdrying. When he finished he asked Akito what she thought.

"Maybe a little more off the back." said Akito, examining herself in the mirror.

"Fabulous!" squealed Yuki and trimmed the back a little more. "How's that?"

"In need of a better word... Fabulous!" Akito smiled.

"Wow!" said Kureno.

"Everyone in the Sohma family will want the same style!" exclaimed Shigure.

"You look fabulous, Akito-sama, absolutely fabulous!" squeaked Yuki happily.

"We should have a parade, Akito-sama!" said Kureno, bouncing up and down.

Everyone stared at him for a second.

"That's the first good idea you've had, Kureno" said Shigure, amazed.

"Hey! I can be smart too!" huffed Kureno.

"Sure you can." said Shigure, patronizing him. "Anyway, it will be good for the Sohmas to see such long, black, straight, thick, and shiny hair!"

The two advisors arranged an elaborate parade. There were jugglers, clowns, candy, horses, and elephants. At the end of the parade, Akito marched proudly with Shigure, Kureno, and Yuki.

"Everyone! Look at Akito-sama's new hairdo!" cried Shigure.

"Look at how thick and shiny it is!" yelled Kureno.

"Have you ever seen such fabulousness?" squealed Yuki.

The Sohmas all cheered. "Akito-sama's hair is long and black and straight and thick and shiny!"

As the parade passed the Sohma Clinic, loud laughter was heard. Everyone looked at the person who was rolling around laughing. It was Sohma Hatori, the normally-stoic, resident doctor.

"Why are you laughing?" cried Akito, Shigure, Kureno, and the rest of the Sohmas.

"Because... you're... bald... Akito-sama..." snickered Hatori.

Everyone gasped. The crowd began yelling.

"She has no hair!"

"It's a naked molerat! Get it!"

"Akito-sama is balder than a turtle!"

Akito stiffened at the remarks. She turned to her advisors. "Is this true?"

They nodded, sadly.

She turned to Hatori. "Thank you, Hatori-kun."

Hatori bowed. "Akito-sama, if you wanted to grow some hair, you could have asked me. I have some salve left over from Momiji."

"I'll take it!" cried Akito, running inside.

Hatori followed and gave her the salve. Shigure and Kureno had to shave their heads as punishment.The person who said the naked molerat comment was put to death. They all lived happily-ever-after.

Except for the naked molerat person, of course.

**_The End_**

A/N: Review, if it's worth it.


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